Joshai (thewhitemage) wrote,
Joshai
thewhitemage

Defeated

Sometimes - for no reason whatsoever, I feel utterly and entirely defeated. I feel a great loss and a sudden and complete devastation. I don't feel as if my life is over, but as if there is no real point in continuing - just sort of a Game Over, type of thing, but in life you can't just hit some reset button.

I don't know...I've never been a very social person. I am not the type of guy that goes to parties and has everyone shout out his name as he walks by him or her. Instead I am the type that is prone to forging very strong, long-lasting, very meaningful relationships. So, I don't seem to make many friends, but when I do, they are often truly good friends. Ultimately, I have sort of a lone wolf complex. I always have seen a sort of glamor and respect in being stoic and completely independent: not needing or wanting any one's company, or even caring about it. Sometimes I wish I could be that way. Without the desire or need for friends or family, I would be able to live life without any one to worry about but myself. In spite of myself, though, I am actually a very loving person; when I love someone, it tremendously powerful. 

Because of my lone wolfiness, I find it easy to spend long tracks of time without corresponding with a person, even those that I love. So the friendship sort of suffers because of that. I feel myself drifting away from some of the best friends I've ever had in my life, and am at a loss at how to deal with it. The best friend I think I have ever had, for instance, has her own busy life, one that I am likely never to be a large part of. I want to remain her friend. I'd like to be able to talk to her every day, to be able to be there and support her in times when she could truly use an extra shoulder for support, but that is almost impossible. I don't think I can ever sufficiently express to her, in words or actions, how true my love and loyalty is to her. Nor can I to my other friends who hold such lofty positions in my heart. So I find myself at a loss. Do they even still consider me a good friend? How good of a friend? I do not wish to lose those friendships that are so important to me.
This may be the reason I feel so defeated.
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