The ceremony was actually extremely enjoyable. As well as escorting my mother up to the platform to light a 'unity candle' I also was an usher in the wedding. I received a considerable amount of female attention, much more than I can ever remember receiving at any one time at any other point in my life, which I found very funny, but that isn't to say that I didn't enjoy it ;) After the string quartet left and the DJ had begun to play songs, the bridesmaids all got up on stage and all called to me to come up and dance with them. Even though I have never really gone out to dance like that on a dance floor before, I am apparently, a good dancer, I suppose, from all the comments I received about it. It was actually a step outside my character to go up dancing like that, but I was happy, and I didn't have any reason to be inhibited, so I tried to enjoy myself and did thoroughly.
The wedding, did however make me reflect upon myself, as many things do. It made me wonder to myself whether I actually have even a single friend as close as any of Erin's and Brandon's. I've always been an extremely solitary person with a very independent disposition. But, having the idea that you don't really need anyone else to be happy is a flawed one. What is there to enjoy in life if you do not have any people who are truly special to you and visa versa; people that you can share your happiness with and be comforted by when you are not; people that you can do those same things for. It really does make my heart break just a little to think that I may not have even a single person like that in my life. I often feel so isolated from the rest of humanity, and in some way, I think I want to keep it that way so that I can never be hurt by them like I have in the past. I know it will really be hard to ease myself out of that disposition, but I believe it is something I need to do if I am to ever be happy in life.
Speaking of humanity, the wedding also reminded me of my intensely violent ambivalence towards humanity. There would really be no better way to describe it. There are so many ugly and awful things about humans that disgust me. A humans will go to such lengths to hurt each other for petty things like money. They find any opportunity to take advantage of one another and prey on other people's generosity and kindness. So, to me, humanity is kind of like that frustrating good friend that you love, but keeps hurting herself and refuses to help herself or let you help her either.
The thing that I often forget about humanity is how beautiful it can be. It can sometimes be hard to find, but if you are in the mood to look for it, then you can see it; the beauty is there. You can see it in many places actually...in the way we love our friends and family, or in the way two people who love one another look at each other. You can see it in a simple kind act of one person for another. You can even see it in other things, like in our art, our architecture, our music, our literature, and even sometimes in our television and our movies. And when you truly get to know a person really well, then we can often see beauty in each other, because in my mind, physical beauty doesn't hold a candle to the beauty I have sometimes glimpsed in another person's heart, and to me, that beauty is the most stunning beauty of all. It is all too often overlooked, and I believe that is where human beauty is really found.
This has been one of my longest entries, I think. However; It has been therapeutic to get some of my thoughts into words.
This entry is dedicated to