Joshai (thewhitemage) wrote,

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And so it was said...

Sometimes I think myself into a corner. By that I mean, given an opportunity for a large amount of introspective reflection, I often find myself brooding on more negative topics. I then find myself unable to extricate myself from these thoughts, and given more time to think about them, only results in things going from bad to worse.

Lately, I've been thinking about friends and truth. I know my friends...the best of them I even know very well (some even better than others), however, I find myself wondering about what they are truly like. I have a fairly solid and complete picture of them, but without knowing everything about them, I find it impossible for me to know the "true them". I myself constantly struggle to remain true to myself and my friends. I wish to project no false images of myself that could possibly confuse anyone to who the 'real me' is. I find it important to do this for my friends more than anyone else, for their own sake and for mine. I do not wish for them to have a friend that doesn't truly exist, and I wish to be liked completely for who I am, with all my flaws considered. As a person who holds a dire value for honestly in friendships, I need to be able to find the same amount of truth in my friends. I do not mean to say that I do not trust my friends to try to be as real and as honest with me as I do them, for I believe among the ones whom I consider the closest of my friends most of them do try to be that, however, my...paranoia (you could call it) makes me struggle with thoughts that I still may not see my closest and dearest friends for the truth of what they really are, and this truly bothers me.

All in all...the majority of this negative line of thought (the part about the paranoia over my friends) was formed in one of these mind-traps that I fall into on occasion, so I hope no one is insulted by any of it, or thinks me to constantly be in paranoia of my friends, for that is not the case.

This entry is dedicated to:
Yoko Kanno; listen to her genius and you will know why.
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