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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
5:30 am - Defeated
Sometimes - for no reason whatsoever, I feel utterly and entirely defeated. I feel a great loss and a sudden and complete devastation. I don't feel as if my life is over, but as if there is no real point in continuing - just sort of a Game Over, type of thing, but in life you can't just hit some reset button.

I don't know...I've never been a very social person. I am not the type of guy that goes to parties and has everyone shout out his name as he walks by him or her. Instead I am the type that is prone to forging very strong, long-lasting, very meaningful relationships. So, I don't seem to make many friends, but when I do, they are often truly good friends. Ultimately, I have sort of a lone wolf complex. I always have seen a sort of glamor and respect in being stoic and completely independent: not needing or wanting any one's company, or even caring about it. Sometimes I wish I could be that way. Without the desire or need for friends or family, I would be able to live life without any one to worry about but myself. In spite of myself, though, I am actually a very loving person; when I love someone, it tremendously powerful. 

Because of my lone wolfiness, I find it easy to spend long tracks of time without corresponding with a person, even those that I love. So the friendship sort of suffers because of that. I feel myself drifting away from some of the best friends I've ever had in my life, and am at a loss at how to deal with it. The best friend I think I have ever had, for instance, has her own busy life, one that I am likely never to be a large part of. I want to remain her friend. I'd like to be able to talk to her every day, to be able to be there and support her in times when she could truly use an extra shoulder for support, but that is almost impossible. I don't think I can ever sufficiently express to her, in words or actions, how true my love and loyalty is to her. Nor can I to my other friends who hold such lofty positions in my heart. So I find myself at a loss. Do they even still consider me a good friend? How good of a friend? I do not wish to lose those friendships that are so important to me.
This may be the reason I feel so defeated.

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Sunday, July 9th, 2006
5:54 am - Music
My eyes are wide open, staring, yet I see nothing but the notes that resound through my mind. The music courses through me like blood. It gives me life. It invigorates me. My heart swells, my mind opens, and I feel a hundred emotions all at once. Happiness, dissolution, hope, emergence, fear, love, devotion, sorrow, anger, peace, glory, faith, resolution. Too many to name. My eyes shimmer with tears, yet I take no notice. Before me, I can see all possibility; all creation. Indistinctly certain of it, I am. There is now all range of feeling where elsewise nothing may have been. I feel as if I have been struck, and indeed, I have! I am full, and I have touched the hand of God, and I have seen truth, and "This," I think "This - is life!"

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Saturday, May 13th, 2006
3:50 am - Piteous Beings, These of Flesh and Bone
I ask myself. Why is this dilemma so common to mankind: this doubt, this suffering? Why is it that so many people are so incapable of knowing who they are? They might tell you they know themselves and even be sure of it. However, even those of great intelligence are subject to the mightiest foe humanity may ever know: doubt. It destroys men daily, changes them and tears them down, distorts their very core and when it relinquishes them, if ever, they are left altered, unrecognizable. Is this the evidence that change is inevitable? That one cannot die the same person that he or she was born? One might even contest that those whom retain a sameness throughout their life are simple, dull. Or maybe yet, could that be the excuse they would use to comfort themselves when they realize, with alarm, that they are now a different person than they used to be? Indeed, could it even be the weakness of man: that he finds it so hard to retain a true sense of 'self', that he gives himself up to the pressuring currents of the world and lets go, turning his head the other way, forgetting what he was as he sinks into the torrent. There, he calls the others the blind ones, the lost ones, when it is he who truly doubts himself - doubts what he has become.

Truly I was not meant for this world - this time, but I am here, and I can't change that, short of ending my existence, be that as it may the easier route. But, I've never been the type to have interest in taking the easier route. So, I refuse to stand still in fear of the weakness that so easily afflicts man, though that fear has inflicted great doubt upon me before. Though there have been so many times I have wanted to give in to the world, that I have wanted to let go of who I truly am, I won't let go, and I will stand steadfast as I strive for my goals with unwavering determination. I am who I am, and I will be damned if I compromise myself for anyone.

This Entry Is Dedicated to:
The Idea of A True Friend
and...
MSX Metal Gear

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Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
4:00 am - I.D.

What are you doing here?
I...I don't know.
That's right, you don't know. Do you even have a plan?
Yes, I do.
No you don't.
You're right...I really don't. I thought I had a plan.
That's right you, thought you had a plan. What happened to it?
I don't know that either. It was never a very solid or particularly good plan, I suppose.
Exactly. Why is that?
You know...a lot of things. Too many to mention. Or two many.
No, that's just an excuse. An old one.
Maybe, but excuses aren't necessarily untrue.
Yes, but how long will you hide behind that?
Am I hiding?
You're certainly using it to rationalize your failures.
Yes, I may be doing that. But things are hard.
Don't say that, it is another excuse!
But what else can I say?
Sometimes you have to act.
But there is such a torrential internal conflict within me..
Obviously.
It's as if I am constantly pushing against myself.
Now we may be getting somewhere.
No, I'm getting nowhere, and I can't stop myself from stopping myself!
Have you tried doing that? Maybe you've been pushing against yourself for so long, you've never tried to stop it.
I've never thought of it like that. It's a start.
No it is not. It is a thought. No realization can even do any good if it isn't acted upon -- if it is not implemented.
What happens once I've done that?
I cannot tell you that. You have to find out for yourself. Maybe once you stop pushing against yourself, you'll have time to take a look around.
Yes...that would be a start...
Yes, that would be a start.
A start...



current mood: indescribable
Saturday, March 25th, 2006
9:09 pm - Trust
It is the foundation of any important or meaningful relationship, whether it is a friendship, romance, partnership, or any other sort of association. Though a person may be able to forgive it, even a single minor violation of trust may put a crack in that foundation that might never be able to be repaired.

I have found so few people who I have ever truly been able to trust unconditionally in my life that I suppose it is natural that I tend to have such a large amount of trepidation about starting any new relationship, of any sort. Somehow, I have come to have such a guarded disposition when in comes to my emotions that I find it difficult to believe that I will ever be able to give a person enough of a chance to get to know me well enough for any sort of meaningful friendship or romance.

With that sort of outlook, I supposed I ought to prepare myself for a very lonely life.

This Entry is Dedicated to:

The words deluge and inundated.

POST SCRIPT:
My cell phone is broken. If you need to contact me, please e-mail me and leave your phone number, and I'll make sure to call you.

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Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
8:23 pm - ...is never enough

Five years. Tell me, how does one have such strong feelings after a full five years? Such strong feelings. Entirely unrequited too. Looking at pictures still tears me apart - I still can't get her out of my mind. After five years. I need to move on, but I can't. I thought I had moved on, but I was wrong. It's gone long past detrimental, too. It isn't like I don't want to move on. I've gone long past that, oh no, but I still can't. It almost makes me furious, even though there's no good reason to be angry. I have also long since past accepted the fact that there is no chance. None. Never was, apparently. Acceptance does not dull the pain though. That is ever-present. I cannot escape that. I had a powerful, delusional false hope for all that time, which really just makes it all the more painful. I knew after the first time, that when I fall, I fall hard. But that knowledge didn't stop it from happening the second time - and the second time, I fell even harder than the first. Makes me see good sense in closing up entirely. That way, there can never be a third. Honestly though, I'm really not bitter - just pained.

There's one good thing about it all. We are friends. You'd think that might make it harder, but it doesn't. Being able to talk to her makes it easier. I had never had a friend like her before, and never will again. THAT is what makes it hard.

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Monday, January 16th, 2006
3:06 pm - And history, like love...
Well, my sister no longer shares my surname. She got married last Saturday in a beautiful ceremony at an art gallery in Fayetteville. It was pretty spectacular. She did much of the planning for the decorations and arrangements herself. She was helped significantly by many friends, including three awesome coordinators and many bridesmaids. My sister and Brandon are really blessed with all the close friends they have. Many people stood up at the rehearsal dinner and spoke a few words about the two or an individual and what they had to say couldn't have been more flattering. Both of them have so many truly close friends. One of their mutual friends even wrote a song just about them. He has never been in love himself, but believe he has gleaned some idea of what it must be like just be being able to see Erin and Brandon together. The song really did a fantastic job of expressing that. Aptly named, "Blown Away", I personally considered that it could be good enough to be put onto a professional CD. However, I am admittedly biased.

The ceremony was actually extremely enjoyable. As well as escorting my mother up to the platform to light a 'unity candle' I also was an usher in the wedding. I received a considerable amount of female attention, much more than I can ever remember receiving at any one time at any other point in my life, which I found very funny, but that isn't to say that I didn't enjoy it ;) After the string quartet left and the DJ had begun to play songs, the bridesmaids all got up on stage and all called to me to come up and dance with them. Even though I have never really gone out to dance like that on a dance floor before, I am apparently, a good dancer, I suppose, from all the comments I received about it. It was actually a step outside my character to go up dancing like that, but I was happy, and I didn't have any reason to be inhibited, so I tried to enjoy myself and did thoroughly.

---My Musings---

The wedding, did however make me reflect upon myself, as many things do. It made me wonder to myself whether I actually have even a single friend as close as any of Erin's and Brandon's. I've always been an extremely solitary person with a very independent disposition. But, having the idea that you don't really need anyone else to be happy is a flawed one. What is there to enjoy in life if you do not have any people who are truly special to you and visa versa; people that you can share your happiness with and be comforted by when you are not; people that you can do those same things for. It really does make my heart break just a little to think that I may not have even a single person like that in my life. I often feel so isolated from the rest of humanity, and in some way, I think I want to keep it that way so that I can never be hurt by them like I have in the past. I know it will really be hard to ease myself out of that disposition, but I believe it is something I need to do if I am to ever be happy in life.

Speaking of humanity, the wedding also reminded me of my intensely violent ambivalence towards humanity. There would really be no better way to describe it. There are so many ugly and awful things about humans that disgust me. A humans will go to such lengths to hurt each other for petty things like money. They find any opportunity to take advantage of one another and prey on other people's generosity and kindness. So, to me, humanity is kind of like that frustrating good friend that you love, but keeps hurting herself and refuses to help herself or let you help her either.

The thing that I often forget about humanity is how beautiful it can be. It can sometimes be hard to find, but if you are in the mood to look for it, then you can see it; the beauty is there. You can see it in many places actually...in the way we love our friends and family, or in the way two people who love one another look at each other. You can see it in a simple kind act of one person for another. You can even see it in other things, like in our art, our architecture, our music, our literature, and even sometimes in our television and our movies. And when you truly get to know a person really well, then we can often see beauty in each other, because in my mind, physical beauty doesn't hold a candle to the beauty I have sometimes glimpsed in another person's heart, and to me, that beauty is the most stunning beauty of all. It is all too often overlooked, and I believe that is where human beauty is really found.

This has been one of my longest entries, I think. However; It has been therapeutic to get some of my thoughts into words.

This entry is dedicated to
Justin S.

current mood: pensive

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Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
3:23 pm - Master of Procrastination
Instead of working on my research paper, like I SHOULD be doing I'm sitting here on the Internet (an excellent tool of the average procrastinator). I'm also being annoyed about the fact that for the second time in recent history, someone has locked out my Hotmail e-mail address by attempting to access it with incorrect passwords. I find it unlikely that a person I know personally would do this, so I'm guessing it has to be someone from the Internet.

If anyone knows some effective methods of tracking IP addresses...let me know.

Also, I am watching an episode of "The True Life" about professional video gamers. One of the groups they are following is a group of female gamers who play Counter Strike. They ended up winning the female world tournament. The most surprising thing...all the members of the team were actually attractive. Every one...and not just kinda cute. They were actually what I'd consider fairly above average. Hmmm...attractive girl gamers; imagine that...

In other news...I miss two of my best friends. I also miss a few other friends that I have not spoken to or hung out with in awhile. I have been in a very dull mood lately...some might call it an unhappy mood. That's not new though. And I'm getting nowhere on that paper. Mostly because I'm not working on it...I'll have to try to rectify that...not now, though...soon.

This Entry is Dedicated to:
Pheonix Wright: Attorney at Law

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Friday, September 2nd, 2005
10:08 am - Conflagration!
Last Saturday, my house was struck by lightning and burned down. Not entirely. I didn't lose much of my stuff really, since the fire mostly affected the upstairs floor. My parents lost almost all of their possessions. Water damage heavily affected the living room and kitchen.

On Saturday around three A.M., I was walking towards the kitchen when it hit with an ear shattering volume. Sparks flew from a fixture in the kitchen and some of the light switches buzzed with the excess electricity. I immediately ran to wake my mother and get her downstairs, then ran outside to see that the roof above my parents' room was, in fact, aflame. My mother was out of her mind at this news, and so I kept my cool and phoned 911, but not before I grabbed my cat and put her into my car and backed it out of the driveway to make room for firemen. There were other fires that night, so it took them awhile to get here. My sense of time during those long minutes was tenuous.

My mother meanwhile had called some family friends of ours, the Grippos. Both Anne and Rich Grippo are professors at ASU. My sister and I have both babysat for their children, Marisa and Adam, who are in 12th and 9th grade, respectively. The Grippos came immediately and took my mother back to their house while I watched the firemen put out the fire. I only was willing to leave once it was clear that the fire was under control and wouldn't burn down the entire house. After that, I drove with Anne in my car back to their house.

The insurance people came out in the morning, despite the fact that they usually don't work on weekends, and began moving the undamaged stuff out of the house. By Tuesday, we were moved into a nice little condo, which the insurance company is paying for. The have already begun the work on the house. It will be quite awhile before we will be back in our house.

So, I have limited access to the internet for now; I'm still working on getting the internet set up in the condo.

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Thursday, August 11th, 2005
10:23 pm - Search for the New Icon
After someone messed around with my LJ Icon, it disappeared, leaving me with a boring nothing next to my comments. I cannot have that.

That is why I need YOU. I am imploring my LJ friends to help me in a search to obtain a new LJ picture that is uniquely me. Comments, suggestions, or bits of advice would suffice. I'm not expecting anyone to go out and find me a picture, or make me a new one. But do whatever you feel fit.

Thank you all for any and all assistance you may choose to offer me in this endeavor.

This Entry is Dedicated to:
Sweet Beards - even though I really can't grow one.

current mood: awake

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Friday, July 29th, 2005
5:14 pm
Ahoy! This is Joshua!

I know I haven't updated in some while, but you know me, I'm always pondering the universe, moping, or else just plain wandering around. So, here's my chance to update about my life and hope that someone out there will care enough for me to comment (my cruel and painful demise could be on your head if you don't!).

So, update #1: My friend Rachel came to house sit and visit for 2 and a half weeks. It has been interesting. It's strange how talking to someone in person can change perceptions about yourself. Don't ask. I wouldn't be able to explain in less than 34 hours and no one wants to hear that much commentary from me I'm sure.

Update #2: I'm considering changing colleges. (woohoo for alliteration) I have been thinking about it for some time but now I'm pretty sure I want to get out of Jonesboro. Most of my friends seem to be escaping and it is just wrong that I should be left in this dilapidated old town stuck in Ah-SU....(think about it).

Update #3: I used to wear women's clothing. I still do on occasion. But shhhh...don't tell anyone.

Update #4: This isn't actually Joshua but is sub-human alternate psyche corporeal being Joshue. Yeah don't ask about that either because it would just plain blow your mind (kind of like drugs, don't do them kids).

In conclusion, I would like to remind all of you that if I do not receive at least 5...FIVE measly little minuscule comments then I shall end it all...I shall jump off of a brick or stab myself with a feather! I'm warning you all! The guilt shall consume your lives, waking and unwaking thoughts, dreams and hallucinations if you do not take the few minutes required to type a few kind words to this poor misguided lost soul.

This entry is dedicated to: Mushrooms. (think about it)

current mood: Rachel-y

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Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
3:21 pm - Adelante! To Xanga?
Recently, I have been considering just abandoning this Live Journal and beginning to post on my Xanga instead. No one goes there, so if I did it without telling anyone, I’d have a nice place to just record my daily thoughts.

I guess that is what this is here for, but due to the lack of comments, I’m beginning to believe that no one really cares much about what is going on in my life at the moment. That’s ok, really. I haven’t shown much interest in many other people’s lives either, so it isn’t unexpected. It isn’t really that I don’t care. I’m just a fairly solitary person…I always have been. So I guess it is sometimes harder for me to put forth the necessary effort.

I originally told myself that I was making this LJ purely for me, and not for any audience. Someone else tells me the same thing about their online journal but then asks me to comment on almost all her entries. Really, there is a certain amount of vanity involved in these things. If we really solely put these up for our own benefit, then there would be no need to make them publicly viewable. Most of us aren’t into the “letting other people watch” type of thing when it comes to our personal lives, so the truth of the matter is that we make these online journals for some sort of recognition from our friends or peers. Ok…I say “we”, but I don’t like it when others try to speak for me either, so I’m sorry. I’ll change that to just “me”. So, ultimately, I say, it is ‘ok’, but I’m not being entirely honest by that. I wanted some sort of recognition. Although, with this post I’m not fishing for it mind you, I’m merely posting my thoughts, as I always do. This is after all, “The Mind’s Sanctuary.”

I guess maybe it is a little discouraging to find that maybe no one really cares all that much about my life. And I’m beginning to wonder if even the one person who I thought cared for sure actually even does care half as much as I thought she did.

Lately I’ve felt so estranged from all of my friends. If I really end up losing my best friend, I don’t think it will help my already-solitary nature. I have trouble enough keeping in touch with most other people besides her that if I lose her, I may never endeavor to keep any close friends ever again. Maybe I’m just being dramatic…as she would say.

This Entry is Dedicated to:
The men at Wal-Mart who developed such an exceptional Coke-substitute.

current mood: contemplative

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Monday, March 28th, 2005
11:56 am - And so it was said...
Sometimes I think myself into a corner. By that I mean, given an opportunity for a large amount of introspective reflection, I often find myself brooding on more negative topics. I then find myself unable to extricate myself from these thoughts, and given more time to think about them, well...it only results in things going from bad to worse.

Lately, I've been thinking about friends and truth. I know my friends...the best of them I even know very well (some even better than others), however, I find myself wondering about what they are truly like. I have a fairly solid and complete picture of them, but without knowing everything about them, I find it impossible for me to know the "true them". I myself constantly struggle to remain true to myself and my friends. I wish to project no false images of myself that could possibly confuse anyone to who the 'real me' is. I find it important to do this for my friends more than anyone else, for their own sake and for mine. I do not wish for them to have a friend that doesn't truly exist, and I wish to be liked completely for who I am, with all my flaws considered. As a person who holds a dire value for honestly in friendships, I need to be able to find the same amount of truth in my friends. I do not mean to say that I do not trust my friends to try to be as real and as honest with me as I do them, for I believe among the ones whom I consider the closest of my friends most of them do try to be that, however, my...paranoia (you could call it) makes me struggle with thoughts that I still may not see my closest and dearest friends for the truth of what they really are, and this truly bothers me.

All in all...the majority of this negative line of thought (the part about the paranoia over my friends) was formed in one of these mind-traps that I fall into on occasion, so I hope no one is insulted by any of it, or thinks me to constantly be in paranoia of my friends, for that is not the case.

This entry is dedicated to:
Yoko Kanno; listen to her genius and you will know why.

current mood: blank

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Saturday, December 18th, 2004
2:02 am - Not Very Important
It is interesting how everything can change in a moment.

It's funny how a simple TV show, or an instrumental song can make you weep and remind you of why life is so beautiful.

It's whimsical how the stars whisper to me so profoundly when I stare up into the night sky, yet I just can't quite hear what they say.

It is sad that I feel such a need to do something profound in this world, yet what that could be, or if it even be possible, I know not.

It is unfortunate that the dream I want does not want me in return, and leaves me on me on my back, staring into an utter uncertainty of a future.

It is saddening that it might happen.

Thank you my friends, I shall now go cry.

And:
This Entry Is Dedicated To:
The heavens...

current mood: indescribable

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Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
11:08 pm - Feelin' Like...
I feel like I've missed something in life. Somewhere in-between a)feeling like I'm on a road and at some point missed my turn off, and I just realized it, and b)feeling like at some point I just took a very long scenic road that will eventually lead me to a dead end, and in both scenarios, there is, of course, no way to turn back. It all comes down to perspective though, doesn't it? I can't see the road ahead, so maybe some one up far above me can, and maybe it will turn out all right. I really do hope it does.

I know of at least one person who might be able to understand how I feel. As a footnote, I know some people sometimes make these types of journal entries based on a single snapshot of emotion that has simply been expanded upon. This, mind you, is not one of those entries.

This Entry Is Dedicated To:
Skittles: the Green Bag. Forever will I miss thee.

current mood: distressed

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Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
11:03 pm - Here's ta you!
Ahhh. Today has been a mentally arduous day. I sometimes find myself lacking an appropriate means of expressing my feelings for you, but you know that already. I really care so much about you, but there are only so many times a person can hear that before it starts sounding empty. I realize that, but words are really the only means I have to express that. I feel bad for what happened to you today. I had gotten used to it by now, really. At least, I had gotten used to most aspects of it. I was really genuinely happy over the joy it was bringing you, even though the distress it brought you also distressed me commonly in turn. For you, I really didn't want it to end so quickly. I am not worried about you now, though, because you seemed stronger today than you have all month. I just hope that wasn't all a front for my sake though. I just can't help but feel that I can't be there for you enough, being separated by 500 miles. I care about you far more than I could ever hope to express over such a long distance. It almost makes me feel as if I am letting you down as a friend, that I am not being all that I should be. You are absolutely my best friend, and you have really had such a positive impact on me over the time that we've known one another, and I have virtually no way of exhibiting my appreciation of that. I know how much you believe about my feelings for you, so I sometimes wonder if you think that when I say things about how much I care for you that I am only giving you lip service. We talked about validation earlier. Not in the same context, but it applies here. You said you really needed validation, even if it was in minor ways. I suppose I need validation in things too, and it is definitely much harder to communicate it over long distances. I often also fear the intent behind my limited expression might sometimes be misinterpreted, as well. At least it occurs to me that it could be misinterpreted, probably due to my sometime cynical outlook. It is hard to communicate the intent of an action to someone in person, much less over 500 miles.

Really though, I think that one of the greatest ways I can express how much I care for you through words is this: When I feel bad or depressed, or negative, or cynical, I can always look at our friendship. The strength, closeness, selflessness, and intimacy of our friendship always makes me look at the world in a favorable light. You really do make me realize how much life is worth living. I can't imagine how I would be now without having met you. I feel truly blessed for knowing you.

This Entry is Dedicated to:
My Truest Friend and Lifelong Companion - Rachel

current mood: grateful

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Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
10:47 am - Happy Birthday Ken Helman
Today is Ken Helman's birthday. How do I know this, you ask? I heard it on the radio. Yes, apparently Ken Helman's birthdate is momentous enough to be broad casted over the radio. His wife reportedly said he was "over 50".

Let's all wish Ken Helman a big happy birthday.

This Entry is Dedicated to:
Ken Helman, of course. Happy B-Day...

(10 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, August 26th, 2004
4:43 pm - What?! *Reeling*
Hah! Whoa! I just now found out something I completely didn't know about my best friend. I had to find it out from her online Xanga (basically a live journal, if you did not know), though instead of from her mouth. It really sent me reeling simply because of how unexpected it was. It did that for a lot of other reasons too, though.

It kind of makes me question a lot of things. And I do mean a lot. None of it is too serious, but it still kind of changes things, albeit not pivotally, just...changes a lot of things, all in small ways. Right when you think you really know someone...

You know...sometimes I really hate things about myself even though I know that they might be some of my best qualities. /sigh

This Entry is dedicated to:
My Bed...because that is where I'm going. Maybe a nap will help me feel better.

current mood: surprised

(1 comment | comment on this)

Friday, July 9th, 2004
10:43 pm - Ten Miles To Nowhere
I'm in another one of THOSE moods. It's interesting really, it is when I'm in these types of moods (particularly the negative ones) that I am the most pensive and contemplative. Therefore, it is these moods that I feel most articulate and interested in recording something about my current mood. Now I really understand though why Rachel doesn't really like being in a pensive mood. Hah!

Today though, I'm feeling kind of under the weather. It slowly crept up on me though. I was in a pretty good mood earlier, ya know, but after I got home from dinner I just started feeling kind of more and more depressed. I don't really know why, even. It's really odd, if you ask me. I just can't place any real reason for why I should feel this way at this moment.

Do you think that such a thing as an empathetic link between two people is possible? Such an odd question, isn't it? One that's popped up in my mind recently. Maybe it is a stupid question, though. I for one though, wouldn't immediately discount something like that though, however I have a reason for that. I wouldn't call myself prone to believing in fairy tales of the super-natural, but I won't necessarily outright deny their possibility. In our world, there are so many people that do believe in the super-natural to greater or lesser degrees. Anyone who is religious in any way definitely does. However, despite that, most people are so immediate to disregard such things that don't easily fit into their perspective of reality. I am not most people though. That's why I feel that just maybe, such a thing could be possible. You might just call me crazy though...but you probably wouldn't be wholly incorrect though.

There is a certain song that I have recently been listening to. It always makes me think a lot about a certain person, while also making me feel hopeful, happy, sad, and peaceful all at the same time. I just listened to that, and I feel just a little bit better.

This entry is dedicated to:
The Ho Brothers, for without their movie, I would have never found that song.

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Saturday, July 3rd, 2004
7:25 am - A Moment's Respite
Today is July 3rd. It's about 7:25 in the morning as I write this. Although, you could figure that out by looking at the time of the entry. The thing is that tomorrow is July 4th, and I can't really seem to look at it with any sort of a stirring that even resembles emotion. You know, it's not really a big deal. I mean, the Fourth of July really isn't even one of those really big holiday's that people make much of a big deal about. Sure all the car dealerships and furniture outlets are going to have a big Fourth of July sale, and alot of places will not be open, but still there are other, bigger holidays that you'd probably not want to go without celebrating.

I usually end up spending my time on one of these slightly more minor holidays such as the Fourth doing absolutely nothing, so I should feel at least pleased that I will be doing something on the fourth, right? Well, I don't really. I don't feel much of anything at the moment. Besides a little bit of anticipation over a whole lot of things that are mostly nothing inparticular. Other than that though, I'm not feeling much emotion at all. It is a mood I get in. It may better be described, however, as a lack of a mood that I get in. As if my emotions kind of get together and look down upon my fairly plain life and tell me that not much is really going on at the moment, you know...nothing to get really excited about one way or the other, and are letting me know that they'll be taking the day off, then drift away before I get a chance to protest. So here I am, left alone to my musings, none of which inspire much out of my dull state, which I'm still not sure is better or worse than feeling depressed, since if I was, then at least I'd be feeling something.

Well...it's time to go do something productive today, or at least give it a sporting try.

As this is my first official journal entry, I must offer a sincere dedication.
This Entry, and this Journal in part, is dedicated to:
Josh McFarlane, for without him, this journal would at this moment not exist. Thanks for the code, my friend.

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